“It’s a boy!” the sonographer exclaimed as I lay on a table with globs of cold, clear jelly on my expanding belly.  My husband was relieved.  I was heartbroken.  I already had one boy so I was hoping for that magical equation where baby number two was a girl.  Sure, I lied to everyone who asked and said I would love either.  I’m like everyone else and just assumed the odds would be in my favor for that perfect set of children.  My husband would have our first child to go to races and play video games with; I would have a girl to craft and shop with. By the time my due date came (and went… my second son was 10 days past his due date…. boys) I had come to terms with the gender.  I loved him of course!  He was my baby.  Still, a part of me wasn’t as connected to him during my pregnancy as I had been to Fletcher.  I worried that I would never be able to love him as much as I loved Fletcher.  How could I?  I loved Fletcher an overwhelming amount, I would cry sometimes just thinking about how much I loved him.  I didn’t think I had any more love than that to give.  I wasn’t anxious for him to come, in fact, I enjoyed his tardiness because the later he was the longer I had with my beloved Fletcher.  We cuddled for weeks before my due date because I knew life was changing in a big way. Everett entered the world peacefully in the comfort of my bedroom after a quick 4 hours, 45 minutes of labor.  I fell in love all over again and he was instantly as much a part of my family as I or my husband or Fletcher. What everyone said about your heart expanding and your love growing with each child was right.  I didn’t love Fletcher any less than before his brother was born but I loved his new brother just as much.  I had no reason to worry at all!

These days I find myself grateful that life dealt us two boys.  Each day I watch their bond grow stronger and see them both growing into little boys with distinct personalities.  Fletcher is my goofball, my comedian, my social butterfly, my cuddle obsessed young man.  Everett is the “baby,” he is brave and fearless, a little mini-me of his brother, and a sensitive soul.  He also sucks at sharing.  Before Everett came into our lives I knew already that Fletcher was meant to be an older brother- he needed someone as a playmate and partner and he was a nurturing little boy.  It is clear that I was right.  He thrives as a big brother.  Since Everett is no longer a baby he has taken to accosting babies in public to coddle and I catch him helping them in public play areas.  It make my mommy heart proud.   The older the boys get the closer they become.  I tell my boys that “having a brother is like having a built in best friend for life.” and often remind them to stick together.  I want their friendship to last a lifetime. Lately I’ve noticed that they choose to spend time together, that they miss one another when one is gone, and that they are teaming up to create elaborate games and adventures.  Everett asks when “bro bro” will be home from school.  Fletcher translates his brother’s fragmented words and gestures for us “Mom he SAID he wants a SANDWICH!”   They are concocting obstacle courses from pillows and will hang out in a fort for long stretches of time just laughing about who knows what or playing Angry Birds. Each time I witness them offer up affection unprovoked I can’t help but be in awe of their relationship and kick myself for ever being disappointed in having a second son.   Who decides what makes up a perfect family?  I’m ashamed to admit that I bought into the tripe being fed to me by family and even passing strangers about the baby yet to be born.  Having two boys is the most fun, most amazing, most perfect family I could have.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So to anyone reading this right now who might have those same feelings of disappointment over gender, or the fear that you can’t love your second baby as much as you love your first I’m here to tell you that those feelings will pass.   It is magical and powerful and indescribable how much you fall in love all over again when a new baby is born.  It saddens me how often I’ve heard strangers and family push their gender expectations onto pregnant women- if you have done it, even innocently, think again before you say “Oh I just know this baby has to be a boy, you already have two girls!”  It might not sound malicious but you are fueling the hopes a mother might be having, you are putting an expectation on them that is in no way something that have control over, and if that mother ends up with a third girl, you are part of the voice in their head that makes them wonder what is wrong with them?  Why weren’t the odds in their favor?  Every mother deserves to be overjoyed about their pregnancy.  Families are dynamic and not a recipe with the ingredients of “One Mom, One Dad, One Baby Boy, One Baby Girl.”  There is no such thing as a one size fits all perfect family.  There can be your perfect family and that is all that matters.  

Oh, and don’t get me started on the “Are you gonna try for a girl” question…. 

There really isn’t a great way to write a post about your 2.5 year old son being admitted to the hospital and it is even harder to title.  It all started last Sunday (7 days ago) when Everett started screaming in pain at about 1 am.  He was awake most of the night crying out and I spent all night trying to comfort him.  All day Sunday it was the same thing and my husband and I took turns walking him around to keep him happy.  While we first thought it was teething pain related we decided to take him to urgent care since he was grabbing at his ears to rule out an ear infection.

Instead we got the news that he had strep, double ear infections, and lymph node infections.  He spent the next week in misery.  He didn’t walk at all except on a handful of occasions.  Most of the time he was in the BobaAir or in our arms.  His pain and misery were so bad that even just cuddling on the couch to watch TV wasn’t enough to keep him happy.  To stay sane all week I went out as much as possible to just find a reason to babywear him and walk around shops.  This was my daytime coping mechanism.  At night it was nursing, singing, and cursing under my breath because I was exhausted and getting no sleep.  I won’t lie- I was feeling very sorry for myself.  I didn’t want to, but I was the parent he wanted and clung to 24 hours a day.  My husband could rarely hold him and definitely couldn’t comfort him at night.  As sick as he was I knew he was hurting but I was a little resentful that I was the “chosen one” and hadn’t had a break in a very long time.

We went to the doctor’s 5 times, each time either for a shot for his treatment or because he was still miserable and we needed answers.  By Thursday, after a fluke morning of normalcy (I mean, he looked cured and I announced so to the world!) he was miserable again after his nap.   We felt he should have been better so we took him to the doctor again.  They said he still had strep and needed a new type of medicine.  At least we thought we knew why he was still so sick.

Friday afternoon Everett was still as upset as ever.  It has been hard trying to be fair to Fletcher who is the picture of health.  We went out back to put our feet in the pool and Ev sat unhappily in my lap, but Fletcher was thrilled.  I took Ev’s socks off to have him put his feet in and noticed something really odd- the place where the elastic on the sock had been was bright red and raised up.  It looked very painful.  He screamed at me taking off his sock so we went inside.  When I went to remove his shorts soon after to change his diaper I saw that his legs and feet were covered in tiny bright red spots.  I assumed they were ant bites at first which didn’t make sense because he hadn’t walked outside at all and wouldn’t have been exposed to any ants, especially that long to get covered in bites.

A few hours later it was obvious that the feet and legs were swollen and that even the slightest touch to that area resulted in screams.  Welp, time to go to a doctor again.  The urgent care doctor immediately diagnosed him with HSP.

The fact that he has been fighting a losing battle to various infections for a week probably lead to the HSP.  The doctor informed me that “It will only get worse before it gets better” and to look forward to his pain and the rash/swelling increasing over the next 3-4 days, and it lasting 1-2 weeks.  There is no treatment except steroids to relieve the joint pain and swelling, but I was informed this was only for the worst cases.  We were sent home with a prescription for yet another type of antibiotic just because, and nothing to help the HSP.

Even with that scary diagnosis Saturday wasn’t looking too bad.  The symptoms from the top half of his body had eased away and, if he were sitting still, Ev was pretty happy.  He went for his nap easily and I was looking forward to a semi-normal Mother’s Day that didn’t involve my son being in misery.  After his nap he woke up miserable once again and I noticed that his left lymph node in his neck had grown to a golf ball size.  Why?  WHY?  WHY was this still happening?

We decided, after speaking with our doctor on the phone, that it would be best to take him to the Children’s ER and skip Urgent Care.  It was a relief to see doctors looking at a possible reason for all of his symptoms to rule out anything much more serious.  He was once again in a lot of pain, and new pain was seen in his lower back.  We feared it was internal.  An IV was hooked up to hydrate him and a little pain relief was given.  He perked right up and became a new boy on the pain relievers and I was crying happy tears to see him feeling something other than pain for the second time this week.  It was decided that he should stay overnight.

Staying in the hospital with my 2.5 year old wasn’t how I envisioned my Mother’s Day.  I was looking forward to a much deserved morning of sleeping in (I haven’t slept all week, I’m a full time pacifier all night because it is the only thing that gives him comfort and helps him sleep) and a home cooked breakfast. Instead I was woken at 7 am (and every 2 hours all night for vital checks on Ev) to have more of his blood drawn.  Then he had an ultrasound and chest X-Ray all before 10 am.  I didn’t even get breakfast!  No one offered us any food at the hospital and by the time my husband got there I was starving.  He came with gifts at least!

Everett has gone up and down in spirits.  For a few hours he seems pain free, then suddenly he will be in terrible pain from the HSP.  It spread to swelling in his head yesterday which caused a bad headache.  By the end of the night he was feeling much better though, and by this morning he woke up happy.  Overnight he got a good amount of rest, so did I.  I woke at about 4 am to a male nurse leaning over us checking Ev’s IV and my boob was casually out of my shirt because at some point Everett had released it from his mouth.  I was half asleep so luckily the shame didn’t register and I tucked it in and zoned back out.  This morning he is playing with 2 rubber duckies and a jet and as happy as can be!

Once again I repeat how grateful I am to still be nursing.  He has had maybe a full meal combined if you add up the amount of food he has eaten in the last 7 days.  He would always nurse but getting food in him has been a challenge.  I also owe my sanity to the BobaAir.  If it weren’t for babywearing I couldn’t have kept his screaming to a minimum all week.

I’m hoping they send us home today, but as of now there is no confirmed diagnosis for his lymph node swelling and the best guess is Cat Scratch Fever.  They won’t treat the HSP with steroids until the lymph node problem is solved because that would make diagnosing it impossible.  I’m looking forward to seeing Ev make a full recovery soon.  Thanks for the many well wishes and positive thoughts you have all been sending since I started posting updates on my facebook page and twitter.

I don’t enjoy painting my own nails. So I don’t. I typically go to a nail salon for pedicures and I don’t paint my fingernails because I don’t have any. Lately though, in an effort to save money and because I don’t have enough time to go out, I’ve been doing my nail painting at home. One day my 4 year old saw me doing this and innocently asked me to “put colors on his toes.” My initial, knee jerk reaction was a “no.” I mean… he is a HE and nail polish is for girls. He asked me again, so sweetly, and all he cared about was that he would have colorful nails just like mom. My 4 year old didn’t connect nail polish to women, or gender roles, or anything else beyond just “pretty.”   To him it looked fun!  He likes drawing, coloring, painting, why wouldn’t he think painting toe nails is an activity all people could do?

So… I informed him of the side effects (having to sit still and not touch his nails for a while) and he was more than happy to sit while I made his toenails “beautiful like mommy’s.” If you had been there to see his face and hear his genuine excitement, even the pride he displayed showing his father, you would have done it too.

Next thing you know my 2 year old sees the fun, and in his wordless way, asks for the same. He was just as thrilled with his new colorful toes and squealed with delight.

My intentions weren’t political or meant to prove that boys can do anything girls can do (which they can) or vice versa. I did it because it made my boys happy!!! It does fit in with how I want to raise my kids but that was just a bonus.  Do I worry about what others think?  Nope.  I’ve already been asked by about 1.5 million people, family included, about why I would paint their nails.  My answer?  “Because they asked and because they like it.”  For those who pry deeper with questions about “making them gay” my answer isn’t as short and isn’t as nice.  Nail polish doesn’t make anyone gay… sooooo….

All I can say is that the 5 minutes it takes to paint my boys’ nails are some of my favorite minutes we’ve had. The polish wears off quickly (especially considering the playing my boys do in dirt, sand, and water) but I’m hoping they might remember our nail painting sessions fondly.  I hope that because I’m raising them to be open minded little boys that, with a little luck, will turn into open minded men and fathers someday.  

To the curious- I purchased Piggy Paint* to use because it is non-toxic. It wears off pretty darn quickly on hands, less so on toes, but I like it because I know the kids have their hands in their mouths often.  *affiliate link

My dream finally came true a few days ago.  No, I didn’t win the lottery or get a full night of sleep.  My husband put up a tire swing for me the kids. There is just something about a tire swing that personifies childhood; judging by the fun my boys had there is a good reason that that. Tire Swinging from Kim Rosas on Vimeo. I kinda want to frame every one of these photos.

It was almost a year ago that I decided to learn how to use my DSLR in Manual mode.  Manual shooting requires that you set all of your own settings like the ISO, Aperture, and Shutter Speed.  You can also get more in depth and change your white balance.  Even after a year I am so far from being an expert but I would say I have grown a few muscles in photography compared to where I started (which was at 0 and just using Auto and a bounce flash.)

Before I share some of my more recent favorite photographs I want to express to anyone reading how life changing it can be to switch your dial to M.  I used to longingly gaze at friends’ professional looking photos and wish I could make something that amazing come out of my camera but would quickly dismiss learning how to use my camera as far too complicated.  Plus, I wasn’t trying to be a professional photographer so I should really leave it up to the experts.  I believe it was seeing fellow blogger Jill from Baby Rabies take her photography to the next level and a Black Friday sale on a membership to Clickin’ Moms that gave me the push I needed.  Seeing real visible progress by a real person made so much sense to me and proved that anyone can learn a new skill, including basic photography.

If you are starting out from scratch here are a few of the resources I have visited time and again.  The first was a blog post that finally clicked how the triangle of ISO, Aperture (f. stop), and Shutter Speed work together to properly expose an image.  This is very important and without knowing this you are going to be clicking dials and doing all kinds of crazy things.  You can find this information on Kevin and Amanda.  There is also a handy chart you can reference in that regard as well.  After understanding proper exposure it was time to understand how to “find the light” that you will hear people on photography forums say over and over.  Light is SO important and it really makes a photo.  Anyone who has seen those amazing eyes that sparkle and pop has seen exactly how a photo should be lit.  It’s all in the eyes!  I’ve learned several tricks, one from the forums on Clickin’ Moms on how to find the light using the shadows and your fist and the other is using a marble.  I re-read this post from Paint the Moon to understand lighting and it has served me well.

I’ve already posted about the earliest days of my journey and you can see those images in the post Learning to Love My Manual DSLR- The Why and How which was published in April 2012.  I’ll pick up from there with a few of my favorite images and you can see how my photography has improved.

April 2012

Self Shot Nursing Ev 18 months old- ISO 200 35 mm 4/4.0 1/60

When Everett was 18 months old and a day I wanted to capture a nursing shot. I actually just held the camera out and barely got us in the frame.  I love so much about this photo but especially how his eye really POPS and his chubby fingers. It is one I will truly treasure and wouldn’t have without learning how to use my wireless remote.

May 2012

Oma in the Weeds- ISO 160 35 mm f/ 3.2 1/640

The reason I love this photo is because it is the first image I ever captured of my mother-in-law genuinely smiling. Up to now any photos of her were very forced if she smiled, but in general she just wouldn’t at all. I had her schlep with me to the abandoned development were I saw potential to do family photos. Location scouting…. We were in very high weeds and she was my test subject during “golden hour” when the sun is almost setting and the light is pure golden goodness and perfect for photos. I snapped this as she was moving the weeds back and forth in front of her face. I framed it. Also that day we found what I suspected to be a human femur bone and ran the F out of there never to return.

June 2012

Denny Hall- ISO 1600 16 mm f/ 2.8 1/60

This was an experimental photo in a lot of ways. I normally just shoot pictures of my children but as a gift for my husband and I’s 5 year wedding anniversary I rented a very wide angle lens and took a photo of the exact spot we met. I brought a tripod knowing I would need to have a slow shutter speed indoors with no natural light to avoid a super high ISO and lots of grain. The lens was unfamiliar to me and I could have done much better but with some editing in Lightroom the result was good enough for framing and it hangs above our bed now.

July 2012

The month photography took a back seat to unpacking. We moved to Florida and all of my photos from July are virtually iPhone pics. It was a busy month and for good reason I wasn’t breaking out the DSLR!

August 2012

Freedom Tower- ISO 100 18mm f/5.6 1/1250

I took a business trip for a conference to NYC and brought the Nikon with me. I used it less than I had hoped but I did bring it when we toured Ground Zero and in the BLAZING sun took this image. Notice how low the ISO is and how fast the shutter speed was to avoid over exposing, although there is a spot where it is completely overexposed. I also edited using Lightroom and added a preset that helps with defining clouds. As a novice editor I still use presets in LR and tweak them to my liking most of the time.

September 2012

Everett, PLEASE look at the light. ISO 800 35 mm f/5.6 1/160

After neglecting my camera for a few months I wanted to get a great photo of my boys in the waning sun outside of our new home. I chased them both begging them to tilt their heads up enough to catch the light and look towards the setting sun. We were both frustrated but I managed to take a few photos that didn’t completely suck.  You can tell he isn’t feeling it and has basically decided to only cheese.  Kids…

October 2012

FIL and Helen- ISO 1000 35mm f/ 2.2 1/200

At my Sister-in-Law’s wedding I brought along my camera despite the fact that there would be professionals there. I’m glad I did because while the bridal party was getting photos taken after the wedding the family was hanging around in amazing light! At the gazebo I took several really good photos of the family and even got one of my husband and I in our garb. This one of my Father-in-Law with Helen, an exchange student they hosted last year who flew back from Germany for the wedding, was my favorite. The rest I posted on the blog for the curious. Oh and this was taken with my new Nikon D90, a small step up from the Nikon D80 I used for the previous photos.

November 2012

A rare smile- ISO 1250 35mm f/5.6 1/800

Lets just say I am super proud of this photo where technical skills met a photogenic boy in perfect lighting.  I got this super bokeh (the blurred background thanks to a wider aperture so the focus is JUST on the subject) and his skin tone is super creamy and even in the light.  I took the photo in open shade to avoid harsh shadows.  Fletcher rarely gives real smiles and most of my photos of him are goofy. Here I caught something special and genuine and he is smiling with his whole face, even SMIZING for Tyra fans. You better believe I framed the shiz out of this thing after taking it.

December 2012

Candid Xmas-ISO 2000 35mm f/1.8 1/100

Technically this isn’t something amazing. We were battling poor indoor lighting and the Christmas light glow for the Christmas Card photo, which turned out OK. In this photo I was trying to get the kids to stay still while Steven checked on the camera. He just happened to hit the shutter and this photo was born. We both set up the settings on the camera, my husband also enjoys dabbling in photography, but I’m using this one for December anyhow. I like the composition.

January 2013

Evening Ritual- ISO3200 35mm f/2.2 1/125

For the new year I decided to challenge myself and grow in my photography by taking part in a 52 week “challenge.” Each week is a new theme and the first was to photograph an evening ritual. I chose bath time and captured this moment after Fletcher stuck his head under the running water and looked up, droplets still running down his hair and face. The ISO is cranked up to 3200 and there is certainly a lot of grain but I am trying very hard to listen to the experts when they say “embrace the grain.”

Cuddles- ISO 1000 35mm f/3.2 1/125

Yesterday I saw amazing light pouring into my newly remodeled bedroom and being diffused through my new sheer white curtains. I grabbed my camera, set it on top of my dresser and propped it to angle down using a pair of underwear under the back portion. Next I set it to use my wireless remote. I asked Fletcher to come sit on the bed with me and we had fun taking a few photos. I even let him use the remote and he got good at hiding it in the 3 seconds after pressing. This was one of the shots we made that I really love.

Sweet Imperfection- ISO 1000 35mm f/3.2 1/125

Same day, just a photo I took with both boys. Technically I goofed and the focus is perfect on Fletcher but with a wider aperture Ev and I are not as clear, though not super blurry either. Also Fletcher took the photo with the remote and you CAN SEE IT, yet I happen to like this fact. It was fun to mess around and photograph our crazy life and the imperfections sort of add to the photo. I tell myself this because those little things bug me.

There are a few things you can tell now that you have gone through my favorite images.  One is that I have a favorite lens.  I primarily use the 35mm, which on my Nikon D90 is about the same view as what you would see with the naked eye.  I sometimes use the zoom 18-105mm but the 35mm takes crisper images because it is what they call a prime lens.  I’ve started playing with my 50mm to see what all the fuss is about but due to my style of camera the photos are more zoomed than what you see so to get your subject in the frame you need to back away quite a bit.  The other thing you will notice is that I like to try and take self shots every once in a while of my boys and I.  It is sad to look in my iPhoto library and see how many sweet and candid images I have of my husband and the boys and realize how few of the images I am in with them.  With my husband at work most of the day sometimes I just have to bring the camera out and make photos happen with the wireless remote.  No, they aren’t as special as something another person would take but in a way they are better because I am calling the shots in the settings department and I know a little more than the average person.  They say once you go Manual you never go back and this is very true.  After seeing how photos can really look once you are in control and not the camera you will never switch to Auto again.  When my husband takes over and goes to Auto I lecture him because he knows better!

I’m re-energized about photography after a long break during our move and I’m looking forward to flexing my muscles and spreading my wings as I try to learn more using Clickin’ Moms and a lot of Pinterest finds on new tips and tricks.  For now the camera I have is plenty although I have full-frame camera envy after learning/seeing what it can do.  If you are in possession of a fancy camera and are waiting to take the next step I’m telling you to start looking up guides to the settings on your camera then start practicing.  Just goofing off with a digital camera never hurt anyone!  You can never run out of film and the delete button is mighty handy…

I had really hoped to have my Christmas Morning video edited and published before 2013 but that just wasn’t meant to be. I finished editing it last night and got it uploaded but by then it was too close to midnight to publish here. I was already in “party” mode and by that I mean I was in my pajamas laying in bed eating a bowl of chex mix while watching a movie with my husband. You wish your night was that exciting.

One of my traditions is to make a video of our Christmas together. I love looking back at these and as always these videos are my way of preserving the memories for my children who will hopefully cherish these mementos. Our 2011 video is also viewable on YouTube.

I hope by sharing my person videos that it can inspire others to take a stab at making their own. Last year I posted a tutorial on how to make a “Kick Butt” home movie for anyone wishing to start their own family tradition of video making.

Moving to Florida has been the best thing for our family and we are feeling so lucky to be where we are.  Of course one of the drawbacks of the amazing winter weather is that it doesn’t exactly put me in the Christmas Spirit when I’m going to a WinterFest in a sleeveless tank top and shorts.

December 3 at SeaWorld.

Things as simple as decorating the tree, decking the halls, and even the chore of taking a Christmas photo and designing the Christmas card all seem out of place.

To combat this and ensure that my family and I make the most of this holiday I’ve been laying it on a little thick around here.  My children need to have this holiday in their life.  I know that most of my fondest childhood memories revolve around the holiday season and just because it is currently 80 degrees outside it doesn’t mean that Christmas isn’t coming in 2o days!  Starting a few days after Thanksgiving I started decking the halls.  This year nearly every decoration was utilized including the extra artificial trees.  We have 4 trees in our home.  You read that right…  Everett has a mini tree that used to he his father’s and that has tiny little german wooden ornaments.  Fletcher has a leftover tree from our apartment days that is really by design an ornament tree.  He got to pick his favorite ornaments from our lot and hang them up.  This was incredibly exciting for a little boy and I’m sure we will let him have his own tree every year now; he really does love it!  The third tree is in the entryway and is the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree that I bought from Urban Outfitters when I was in college.   The fourth is out artificial 7.5 foot tree next to the fireplace.  We considered a real tree this year but again talked ourselves out of it even though we could definitely fit a taller tree here.

For heaven’s sake, I even decorated my mailbox and dressed my lions up in doggy Christmas sweaters.  Yes.  I.  Did.

The rest of house got the holiday treatment while I enjoyed the sounds of Christmas carols, because nothing gets me in the spirit like Christmas music.

We are also fully in the swing of our Elf on the Shelf adventures already and this is the first year Fletcher is “getting” the story behind it so I have to be very careful!  I had to hide my computer and photos of butchering the poor elf for his “hacks” to spare Fletcher the truth.  Despite being an atheist family we do enjoy the traditions that come with Christmas such as Elf on the Shelf and I think it drives me even more towards the deep-end to make sure the kids have pleasant memories of this time in their lives.

Oh boy… then there is the Christmas card photo.  My husband and I were near divorce over this, as it seems to happen every year that I want an elaborate set-up.  With no family or friends to take our photo we have to DIY with a tripod and a wireless remote (such a necessity that is more than worth the minimal cost.  We have used ours dozens of times).  This year I had an entire scene to create complete with props.  Since my cards haven’t been mailed out I won’t share the final image but here is a sneak peek:

Update:  Here is our Christmas Card.  I can share it now that they are mostly in the hands of our family and friends.  I’m entering it in The Paper Mama’s card contest.  There are so many fun entries and lots of inspiration.  It might be too late for this year’s card but next year go back and check it out.

Christmas Card “Not a Creature Was Stirring”

Even my husband got on board and put out the Christmas Lights on our house over the weekend. We are nearly dead but it seems like Christmas is coming and by going the extra mile hopefully it will actually feel like Christmas when the time comes. The boys are getting a very large gift so I am hoping we won’t go overboard on the presents like we did last year. I read somewhere that when you grow up poor you tend to overbuy gifts for others and that rings true for me.

 Our little tradition of photographing Fletcher next to leaves raked into his age is now 4 years old.  What once was as simple as walking into the backyard and raking ow involves driving and seeking leaves in far off locations.  Those in the north might be looking at their backyards piled with leaves in jealousy right about now… Our latest photo shoot involved a lot of work and a lot of post processing including limb chopping.

When Fletcher was a baby the idea came to me to photograph him next to leaves shaped into his age.  Perhaps this idea came to me because our yard was 2 inches thick with them.  Whatever the case, we were never short of leaves in our apartment in Syracuse NY.  We busily raked leaves into a huge number “1″ and positioned him next to it in his best corduroy jacket and his shoes that were scuffed on the tops from crawling on the pavement just moments before the photo was taken.  On that day Steven took the photos from our bathroom window, 2 stories above, while I tried to get Fletcher to keep from crawling away.  Steven made ungodly cat calls and whistles to vie for his attention from the building towering over him but Fletcher was less than amused.  His main concern was trying to attack the leaves.  We walked away from that experience with a so-so picture both in the expression on Fletcher’s face and in technical quality.  I was unaware that photography on a sunny day is the worst time (without open shade) and will create some harsh shadows.  That seems like common sense but it never occurred to me.

The following year when the time came to take Fletcher’s photo next to a number “2″ we ran into some problems…  We had just moved into a new duplex in Syracuse.  Our yard was devoid of trees except those in the forest behind the house.  We also didn’t have the height advantage.  We improvised and salvaged leaves in the tree line and brought them to the open yard and Steven photographed Fletcher from the deck which was raised above the sloping yard.  We managed to get a decent shot despite an uncooperative  toddler who was desperately trying to grab leaves.

Our “3″ photo presented similar challenges as the 2nd year in terms of leaves and perspective but we lived in the same home and already knew the routine.  We waited for a cloudy day and took Fletcher out in his old man sweater.  This year he was more than cooperative.  His shot was of him jumping in the air and remains my favorite.  Steven took the photo again and I was on the ground helping keep him in position.  After the photo he got to tromp in the leaves and have a lot of fun!

Then we moved to Florida and it occurred to me that leaves weren’t going to be as bountiful as they had been in CNY.  I was hoping to make it to at least 5 or 6 years of leaf pictures.  At first we thought our October trip to North Carolina would be the perfect time to score a photo but it turns out the leaves had only just started to change in the Piedmont and unless I was willing to drive to the mountains there would be no leaves on the ground.  My next hair-brained scheme was asking my in-laws to rake a few bags and bring them when they drove down for Thanksgiving but I abandoned that because it was a little too crazy.  Buy fake craft leaves?  Too expensive for as many as I needed.  I even considered knocking on the door of a home I passed on the way to Fletcher’s school that had large leaves littering their yard, the only yard with any, and ask if I could rake and take them with me.  I was too shy for that one.

3 days before Fletcher’s birthday and I was stumped.  I needed the photo finished in order to complete his 4th birthday video.  At 3:30 pm I decided it was time.  I was making this happen.  I packed my step ladder, a mini-rake, my camera, my kids and mother-in-law and we drove in search of leaves.  Like rebels without a cause we headed towards a park situated near lots of tress that I had been to once before.  My gut told me I could find green grass, flat ground, and leaves.  We drove the length of the park, which was large with two playgrounds on each end and many picnic shelters, and came up short.  I parked near the playground and my MIL watched the kids play while I dove deeper into the grounds.  Far off in the distance I spotted a tree with freshly fallen leaves.  They were oak leaves and not what I was hoping for in size but there were plenty of them and they weren’t too dead and brittle and still had a decent color to them.  Unfortunately this same area was also covered in picnic litter.  I raked my leaves into a pile them grabbed them with the rake and my hands and carried them 20 yards away or so to a clearing of grass.  After 5 trips I shaped my leaves.

Fletcher was summoned and I stood atop my stool and began taking photos only to realize the light had moved and there was none where he stood.  The photo was dead.  I directed his to another area and looked for catch-lights in his eyes.  Then began moving all of the leaves there and re-shaping.

Once again he was told to stand next to the number and I noticed the light was gone again.  Seriously?  I just moved these leaves to a spot with nice lighting and the sun was behind a cloud and almost behind the tree line.  I had to make do.  I was alone with no help positioning him while Everett and my MIL were at the playground.  Fletcher took directions as much as you would expect a 4 year old to.  He pouted and whined and lazily completed the poses I asked him to do all the while asking when it would be over.  We packed up after about 10 minutes and I was doubtful I even got one good shot.  Poor lighting, grumpy kid, and no help made for a potentially wasted photo shoot.

That evening I uploaded our photos and was unimpressed.  Shot after shot of weird faces with no smile.  Finally I came to an image I thought would work.  His face was good, his body was positioned nicely, and it was in focus.  But 1 and a half of his feet were missing.  That bugged me.  Plus his hand was making a strange contortion that wasn’t flattering.  Photoshop to the rescue!  I created a new foot, completed the second one, swapped out one hand for another in a photo where he is holding 4 fingers up.  Adjust the color of the grass, edit in Lightroom, and BAM!  A new photo.  It only took 2 hours of editing and a lot of trouble in terms of just getting the leaves!

Original Photo

After Photoshopping and Processing in Lightroom

When I look at the entire string of images 1-4 I’m so glad we went the extra mile and kept up with our tradition.  It is so cool to see so many together (and a little sad too) and I look forward to building on at least a few more years.  Meanwhile I’m glad I chose baby pumpkins for Everett since those are sold all over the country!

Almost 4 months ago the boys and I moved into our new home in Florida where we reunited with my husband after a very long 6 months.  For those new here the short version is this:  Husband got a new job in Florida and we announced our move.  We looked online for homes near Tampa from our home in Syracuse, found one we loved, Steven toured it, we bid on it.  House was a short sale with an unknown closing date- could be 3-6 months.  Bank accepted our bid but it took 6 months to close and we never knew an end date.  The kids and I lived with family while Steven lived in Florida.  The house needed lots of TLC and was purchased “as-is.”  We picked the house because it met all of our ideals: cul-de-sac, 4 bedrooms, on a street with character and shade, no backyard neighbors, plenty of yard, open floor plan, and the bonus was that it had a pool.  The only drawback was the wait and that it wasn’t exactly “turn-key” ready.

After working nearly every single day on fixing the house I can say now that we are to a “live-able” state where the home isn’t in boxes, there aren’t tools in every room, and each room is functioning as the room it is intended to be.  The best part is where we live.  It has always been my dream to live somewhere that the kids can play safely.  With a large backyard and a cul-de-sac this home is most definitely living up to my dream.  Virtually every single day the kids and I go for walks on our shaded street, play on our ride on toys in the cul-de-sac, go for a bike ride around the neighborhoods, and visit the neighbor kitties.  My children are so happy here and it really shows.  In fact, I am really happy here too and that shows.  For the first time in recent memory I can’t complain about anything and I’m not wishing to be somewhere or someone else.

When we lived in Syracuse I can safely say I was suffering from depression.  I would call it seasonal and it coincided with the winter months when I was trapped inside with the boys for almost 6 months a year.  The effort of leaving in the snow and getting everyone properly dressed and undressed and re-dressed was sometimes too much for me.  So we stayed at home or took drives without ever leaving the car.  With no family or friends I was alone except the people who lived with me.  Steven would leave early in the morning, and in the winter, returned after dark.  It was a miserable existence and one I longed to leave behind for another place.  Florida is just about as opposite as we could get and so I begged my husband to look for opportunities there.  We knew eventually this would be where we ended up but I wanted it sooner, for my own sanity and happiness.  We lived in Syracuse for 5 years.  That is a long time to be miserable.

When we first moved here the stress was preventing us from enjoying the home.  And the state of the home wasn’t enjoyable yet either.  We called the house “A Temple to the Color Orange” since every room was some shade of it.  We had a mile long list of projects to tackle as soon as we moved in.  I knew if we didn’t jump on them immediately at some point we would start to become complacent and the projects would never get done.  To my husband’s dismay I became the project manager and barked orders and assigned tasks for every day and especially every weekend when he was around to help.  Each week I would paint 1-2 rooms and on the weekends we would work together on remodeling the bathroom.  I would try to work every other day and choose to spend the day off playing outside with the kids or taking them somewhere special to make up for painting the previous day.

To date I have painted the entryway, front living room, office, bedroom hallway, Fletcher’s room, the Golden Girls Room, the remodeled bathroom, and the great room which was all wood paneling and took 5 solid days to complete.  Every other room only took 1 full day each to paint except the bathroom which only took about 2 hours including priming the new drywall.  At this point I have the kitchen, Everett’s room, our bedroom, the master bathroom, the front door, the laundry room, and 7 closets left to paint.  Just naming all the rooms made me realize I have a few first world painting problems.

As of this weekend our bathroom has working sinks and a working toilet.  The last project to tackle before we can say she is completely functioning is the tiling of the shower walls.  I’m really and truly amazed at what my husband and I have done.  We have completely built an entire room and saved about $3-5,000 by DIYing it.  I won’t lie and say it was easy because it wasn’t at all.  Every time we thought something would be simple it never was.  I keep going into the bathroom, turning on the lights, looking around, smiling, and then leaving.  My husband and I make a pretty great team.  He gets most of the credit but I have done my fair share of the labor in that bathroom including lifting heavy toilets, sinks, vanities, drywall, and bathtubs.

It feels so good to live somewhere you love and in a home that isn’t the color orange.  I am thankful everyday that we waited that 6 months and trusted our gut.  We knew there was potential in the home if we were willing to put the money, sweat, and tears into it.  At this point we have exhausted our home renovation budget and the largest projects have been tackled so I’m looking forward to slowing down and finally just living in the home.  We do have a long list of small projects to finish before family comes for Thanksgiving but it is nothing like “take the bathroom down to the studs and rebuild it.”  Sometimes I just want to cry because we are finally settled and have a place to call home.  With the stress lifted my husband and I are once again having fun together.  One thing is for sure- major home renovations can throw a wrench in a marriage, even the strongest ones.

I’m looking forward to slowing down.

There is no way it has been 2 years since Everett joined our family.  With two children now Everett’s life has gone by at warp speed.  Before he was born I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to love him as much as his brother.  Now I don’t remember life without him.  Everett has completed our family and I honestly love having my two boys and wouldn’t trade them for the world.

Everett came into the world quickly after being 10 days overdue.  We had a beautiful homebirth after a short 5 hour labor {our homebirth story}.  His brother woke up, then just shy of 2 years old himself, and met him minutes after his brother was born.  That day we turned into a family of four.  Now Everett is no longer a chubby cheeked and bald baby but a true toddler.  He has a mind of his own and is possibly the most stubborn child I’ve ever met.  One day I will get to tell him how I bounced him to sleep every day and night for 20 months of his life.

Watching Everett and Fletcher play makes my heart explode.  If only I could convey how well my boys get along and the love they have for one another.  Every day they race their cars around the house, pretend to be Transformers together, wrestle, read books, dance together, and make each other laugh.  They fight too but that’s normal for brothers.  I definitely hit the lottery when it comes to my two boys.  Fletcher was meant to be a big brother and Everett was meant to be in our family.

There are many, many days where I tire of Everett’s relentless cuddling and nursing.  Tonight on his last day of being a 1 year old I reminded myself to linger while he slept next to me in his big boy bed.  I let him have his way and allowed his arms to stay on top of me; this is his insurance that I won’t escape without waking him up.  This tactic normally annoys me to no end that I am trapped but this time I savored his baby-ness for the last day before his 2nd birthday.

 Happy Birthday Everett!