I love the scent of Home Depot- there is something about the mixture of wood and paint that makes me feel like I’m about to get stuff done. On this particular trip to Home Depot my objective wasn’t to buy things for improving my home… I needed to visit the plumbing aisle for a vagine-like tube.
The plumbing section wasn’t my first idea for this project. After unpacking a Christmas gift mailed from Amazon that was protected with pockets of air it got me thinking… what if I could create a better vagina for use in my menstrual cup demonstrations? I’ve always used a champagne flute but they are only tight enough near the stem to fit a cup, giving the impression in demonstrations that you need to go 2 knuckles deep (not the case). Could I create my own clear tube using air filled plastic? That would give more like real flesh and easy to pack. Possibly…… but before I did that I decided to hit the Internet up for ready made products. Maybe, I thought, there would be a model for educational purposes?
No. For the record, googling “clear vagina tube” is not advisable. I did find a product that was not designed for educational purposes that would probably work… but it was pricey and also clearly for recreation. I could only think of the potential security threat it may pose as seen through my luggage and wasn’t too keen on the possible extra attention. That’s all I will say about that one. #dontgooglethatterm
What about clear tubing? EUREKA!
I started with Amazon and even though I did have the measurements for both sizes of cups (41 mm and 45 mm respectively for my purposes) I didn’t want to risk buying a product that might not work. The next time I logged into Amazon I had fun new suggestions…
As much as that soft and rubbery tubing for home beer brewing appealed to me there was nothing in the diameter I needed. Plus I really just needed to try to make it fit before buying.
I packed up my two demonstration Diva Cups and went to Home Depot. In the plumbing aisle I saw several contenders…. for once in my life I wanted things to be in metric but these were in inches so I did a quick google to match up. A 1 1/2 in internal diameter would be perfect but there was only one way to check. Suddenly a sales associate with only one arm (I see him all the time and have no idea the story behind it) comes up to me and asks jokingly “Making a hookah?”
So do I just say no and have him not believe me, because who else buys a large clear plastic tube of this diameter without a plumbing license unless they are making a bong-like object? Or do I say “Oh no sir! I’m making a clear vagina-tube for educational purposes.”
I went with… “No. Not making a hookah.” laughs nervously “It’s ummm…. not that. Something different… for educational purposes.” more nervous laughter. He asked if I needed help but I declined. I really wanted privacy so I could insert a cup into the tube to verify size but between the one-armed man watching over my shoulder and the 2 other men actually there for plumbing supplies I knew it couldn’t be there and the longer I stuck around the weirder I looked. I grabbed my pipe and went to another aisle for a few other things I needed for my home. I must have walked around with that pipe for 20 minutes looking for an empty aisle but of course it was DIY weekend and everyone was in every frigging aisle. I went back to plumbing to find a cap that fit in order to turn the cup around without spilling things and did find the perfect one, thanks to the one-armed man again.
I finally managed to get some privacy for me and my vagina tube. I pulled the Diva Cup out and inserted it with no ceremony (poor tube). It was a perfect fit. Before I could get to the register I ran into my neighbors. I wish I were kidding. ”What’s the big tube for? You working on some stuff around the house?” This is when I wish I were a good liar. ”No… I need it for an educational demo.” They kept pressing on for details and I’m not sure when or how but I finally broke down and said it was to demonstrate a menstrual cup.
I’m not shy about cups but there is something strange about having this conversation with your male neighbor, his girlfriend, and her 13 year old son. I wound up giving a demo right there in Home Depot while nervously sweating. Yes I did. His girlfriend had never heard of one and seemed intrigued so maybe I converted another one.
After getting it home I put in a practice cup. It became apparent that I am not a smart person because my demo Diva Cup Size 1 has a hole drilled in it and the thing leaked. I had to find another size 1 and both the Lily Cup Compact and Lily Cup standard fit, though the standard was the best. (I just so happen to have several un-used cups around from videos)
Obviously the tube was too long but I had to try it out! After a few minutes with the hand saw I had what is a manageable 4 inches of vagina-tube past the end of the cap. The average vagina is 3-4 inches so I was aiming for that to show. I might paint the cap pink for a touch of class and add a decal with her name. The only problem is, I haven’t named her yet. Vag-Tube? The Vagina 3000? Honestly, she needs a good name but I can’t think of one!
Why all the fuss over a vagina tube? Well, I need something that I can effectively demonstrate menstrual cups with for the 2015 MommyCon tour. I’ll be there as #vagangelist and a cloth diaper advocate. These demos really hit it home how effective a cup can be so to me this is just one more step towards menstrual cup world domination. If you can think of a good name let me hear it in the comments! I’m stumped!