While pregnant with my first son I envisioned listening to my favorite music while laboring, and letting those familiar songs take me to a far away place.  This place would have no pain of course, and I would need no drugs, only songs, to get me through.  Naive?  Probably.  Also, my husband never got around to making that awesome playlist I had written up for him.

I didn’t listen to any music.  The only background music I heard while in labor was the beeping of the multiple machines I was on, and the heartbeat of my then unborn baby, which echoed in the room.  Eventually we turned the TV on and I watched my soap opera at 1 pm while the midwife broke my bag of waters.  This is the only time marker I recall, so thank you, Day of Our Lives.

If all goes according to my plan, my next son is going to be born in comfort of my own home.  My doula came by and said our home had a warm and inviting feeling.  This made me feel even better about our decision.

Once again, I am imagining using music during my labor to “take me away” as Calgon would say.  I do believe there is a transformative power to music. As a teen music was my escape from the shitty life I had and the shitty home I lived in.  I shut myself inside my shitty room and cranked my Smashing Pumpkins to 11.  I cried to those songs and dreamed I would get the hell out of that place one day.  And I did.

Radiohead, Zwan, Smashing Pumpkins, Nickel Creek, maybe some Sigur Ros. These are artists I want in my labor playlist.  Do I sound like a product of the 90′s?  (You may be wondering where the hell Nickel Creek fits in.  The fiddle and banjo make my heart happy, so sue me.)  I went on a shopping spree last week.  Over multiple moves (high school home, to college dorm, to townhome with my then boyfriend (now husband), to apartment in NY, to duplex in NY currently) my favorite cd’s were lost or scratched beyond repair.  So, I rebought them on Half.com.

This Side, Why Should the Fire Die?, Mary Star of the Sea, Amnesiac, all came to live with me this week.  Many of my other cd’s I wish to listen to are still in my basement to be rediscovered.

I popped in my Zwan cd yesterday and felt so happy to hear them again.  It has been years.  A part of me was afraid the music would remind me of the bad times, or my younger life of concerts and traveling.  For whatever reason the cd only makes me feel hopeful and joyful.  I doubt I could listen to Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness during labor, or any other time, and not remember playing the cd every day for 3 years and feeling sorry for myself.  But Zwan came at a later point in my life when things weren’t as bad because I made them better.  I was older and had a license.  Life wasn’t as sucky.  In my new life, this morning, while washing dishes, I had tears streaming down my face just hearing my beloved Zwan.  In my former life I got 2 Smashing Pumpkins tattoos and one for Zwan. (Yeah, I have band tattoos, and non band tattoos.  I also have/had quite a few piercings.  I was a wild child!)  In my new life, Billy Corgan has disappointed me.  Thanks Twitter for shattering the god-like image I had of him.

I haven’t listened to new music since college.  I am that person who will always love the music of their youth.  Apparently, it can mean something else to me these days.  My life is nothing like it was when these songs first came out.  I have a son and a husband.  I am about to use this music (hopefully) to bring another baby into the world.  Maybe part of the reason I can listen to these songs and not remember the bad is because during the bad I was always thinking of the good.  I wanted to get married and have a family.  I pictured myself as the best mom in the world!  I don’t know that I am that, but I think I do ok.

As a person who has used the power of music to transport herself elsewhere, I feel this plan will work and I am excited to bounce on my birthing ball, let the contractions do their job, and let Radiohead put me in a trance.  (My husband hates them and says they put him to sleep)

Anyone else use music during their labor?

To say I am not terrified of giving birth naturally would be lying. Labor is painful (unless you are an amazing hypobirther or you have that rare disease where you don’t feel pain) and I am afraid I will suck at it.  But then again, I am ready to go for it!  And I am excited to do my birth my way with the wonderful support system I am putting in place.  I will have my midwife, the assistant, my doula, and my husband.

My husband, son, and I went to meet my homebirth midwife for the first time on Tuesday.  We came armed with a million questions and stayed for 2 hours.  Even though I have been using a midwife for my prenatal care thus far, the one on one attention we received at this appointment was more than the combined time I have talked with my former midwife.  It felt great to discuss all of my fears, concerns, ambitions, goals, hopes, and expectations.  The room was relaxed, and there was a playroom that kept my son occupied nearly the entire time.  I thought sharing the questions my husband and I came up with would potentially help other couples who are considering homebirth, even if some seem silly!

1. Tub rental: do you rent a tub, which tub, and how much?

2. Does the tub come with a pump (for drainage)?

3.What documents do you need (medical history from prev doctor)?

4. What number do we call, back up numbers?

5. Travel time (she is 1.5 hours away):  when do we call?

6. What do you bring (medical supplies like oxygen)?

7. What if there is a transfer, do you have hospital privileges?

8. Should I have a birth plan?

9. Payment: upfront or after billing insurance?

10. Is there a specific birth kit you want me to buy?

11.  Should we have 2 plans (in case of change to a hospital)?

12. If the blood sugar is low for baby, what would you do?

13.  If baby shows signs of jaundice, what to do?

14. When/ how do we follow-up with pediatrician?

15.   Birth Certificate/ etc, how is this done?

16.  Clean-up?!?!  Who does this and how? (my husband’s number one concern.  Answer: they do it all)

17. What do we need in house that isn’t in the birth kit?

18.  What is your record of c sections/ transfers.

19.  If I need stitching?

20.  Tear prevention massage?

21.  Medical waste disposal?

22.  How long do you stay after the birth?

23.  How late can I go?  How will you monitor to make sure it is safe to go over?  Natural induction methods?

24. If I go “too late” would I need to deliver in a hospital?

25. What would warrant a change to a hospital birth?

26.   If in a tub, how do you tell if the cord is wrapped around neck?

27.  If I am Group B positive, what happens then?

28.  What about pushing the tummy to get blood out?  Not needed?

All of these questions were answered for us.  Some answers were surprising (like that nurses don’t need to push on your stomach every hour and wake you up, but you can do it yourself if you want) and some were reassuring (her second time mom rate of C Sections was 1% for 20 years).  I felt very at ease with her and am very confident she can help me have a wonderful birth experience.  I never would have considered homebirth with my first child, and I can tell you if I had my husband would not have budged on it.  Now, we have both learned a lot about being parents and pregnancy, as well as how the “system” isn’t always in the best interest of the mother and child.  I regret my induction with my son, which was not necessary.  If only I had known!  We had a positive outcome and still had a vaginal birth, but so many women are induced for no reason and end up having a C-Section.  I ordered my birth kit already and it is on the way, and there are so many other things to prepare.  It has been a long battle to get this homebirth, but in a way I always knew it would happen. Every time I imagined giving birth to my son it was at home.  Now it is a reality.  Yikes!

My next birth experience will be in roughly 107 days, at a hospital located about 15 minutes from my home, and will hopefully be attended by my Midwife, my husband, and my doula.

Things I would like to be different from my first birth.

• I do not want to be induced again.
• I do not want to be chained to an IV pole and fetal monitor
• I do not want to have limited access to a shower (I had none)
• I do not want to be barred from any food from the start of labor until giving birth. (I did not eat for over 24 hours and all I could think about was food, not my labor or my baby)
• I do not want to receive pain medication (I did receive an epidural.  Though the nap was nice, I am hoping having food, not being induced, and laboring at home more will prevent this)
• I do not want to be told when to push.
• I do not want my baby to be prevented from nursing within the first 45 minutes because he is breathing a tiny bit funny.

Things I want to be the same as my first birth.

• I do want my husband by my side (at my beck and call)
• I do want A Lindt Chocolate bar in my labor bag for after delivery (Since I had gestational diabetes last time.  I test in 3 weeks)
• I do want the most delicious tuna sandwich in the world after delivery, especially if it is at 4 am.
• I do want great nurses who are supportive and helpful.
• I do want to delay the cord clamping.
• I do want to pull my son out myself once the shoulders are out and put him on my chest.
• I do want a lactation consultant to check with our nursing progress, even though I am an experienced breastfeeder, my son won’t be an experienced nurser.
• I do want to cuddle my adorable new son, who will be rooming in with me.

I am looking for an almost entirely different experience that my last.  I am hoping that my midwife will allow me to go into labor naturally even if I have gestational diabetes.  I also just met with my doula and I believe she is going to help tremendously with attaining a natural birth.  The only concern I have currently is who will watch my son while I am in the hospital.  We do not have family (or friends really) in the area.  My son relies on me to fall asleep for his naps and at night.  He also sleeps with us the majority of the night.  Me being gone will be hard for both of us.

Now that I have a great support team in place all I need is to wait for my son to arrive.  Hopefully that will be on 10-10-10.

Our first 4d glimpse of our son

38 1/2 weeks, my tummy baby

Six months ago my son was born.  7 lbs, 3 oz, 19.5 inches long, and cute as a button.  I didn’t get my dream birth experience since I was high risk, but I did deliver my dream son.  I remember when I was pregnant, passerbys, friends, and family alike used to tell me “Appreciate every day because it passes so quickly.”  That it does.  Thankfully, we did as we were told and took a million and one pictures.  

It took 20 hours after they started pitocin to labor and deliver my son.  I pushed for 3 hours.  Once his shoulders were out, I pulled him the rest of the way out and put him on my chest.  We allowed his cord to stay on until it stopped pulsating.  I was given a good amount of time to bond with him before he was taken to be cleaned and examined.  I wasn’t allowed to nurse until the NICU doctors examined him due to the “grunting” way he was breathing.  This was devastating to me.  I had envisioned delivering my son and putting him to the breast right away.  

Fletcher, a few minutes old

Once we were in the recovery room we tried nursing for the first time.  Apparently, nursing is not a natural instinct for mother or baby.  My son was a terrible latcher.  He has a recessed chin so his bottom gums rubbed my nipple raw.  To help regulate his blood sugar my colostrum was manually expressed (I was milked) by the lactation consultant.  He took this tiny amount of precious fluid and it did wonders.  We kept this up, and I also used the hospital pump to get colostrum for him.  

The first picture taken of mother and son.

My entire stay in the hospital was dedicated to learning how to nurse.  I slept less than 10 hours in the three days I was there.  It was a blur of nurses and lactation consultants coming in to attach my son to my breast, pumping, and doctor examinations.  I didn’t get to enjoy my son.  In some ways I was miserable.  Nursing seemed hopeless.  I felt defeated.  I was exhausted, sore from giving birth, and blistered from nursing.  Every time the nurse would come in to help me nurse, I cringed.  

Finally, after little success, the lactation consultant suggested that I use a nipple shield.  Hallelujah.  He latched on!  In a few sessions we were nursing.  I left the hospital mildly confident about nursing, and armed with a pump “just in case.”

In 5 weeks we were completely weaned from the shield after 2 visits with a lactation consultant.  In 3 months, I felt 99% confident with nursing.  By 5 months I was a pro.  

Exactly 5 months old.

Although I wouldn’t call it a goal, my expectation was to nurse until his teeth made an appearance.  Since then, I have changed my goal.  I want to make it to a year.  And from then, I will let Fletcher decide.   I am extremely proud of myself for reaching 6 months.  If you had told me in the hospital that I would make it to 6 months I wouldn’t have believed you.  Breastfeeding has taken more work than I expected, but it has brought me more joy than I thought possible.  Some of my favorite memories of the past 6 months have involved nursing my son.  He makes contented gulps and sighs, he clutches at my bra strap or top, he opens and closes his fists, he looks up at me with such love and trust, he drifts off in my arms, he is just amazing.

Now, he is no longer my little baby.  He is over 15 pounds and 26.5 inches long.  He has been eating solids since Mother’s Day.  

His first taste of solid food.

His first two teeth have cut, one 2 days ago, and one yesterday.  Thankfully, they are his bottom teeth so I have bought some more time before teeth become an issue.  He has such a personality; I consider him a watcher of the world.  He is a very serious child, he likes to take in his surroundings and study them  If he can take them in his hand and examine them with his mouth, he will.  I am constantly amazed by him, and how much I love him.  

Happy 1/2 Birthday, Fletcher!